Hard Chapters

This past weekend, Ryan and I attended a marriage retreat in Fort Wayne. I had looked forward to it so much all week last week. A fun getaway at a hotel...eating out with our friends...encouragement from a speaker...meeting new people...all of that.

And it was fun. We really enjoyed the time away {though we sorely enjoyed being back in our own home at the end of the weekend...} and the speaker was fantastic.

But in all of that, the unexpected happened.

God uncovered hard places in my heart. Areas where I'm not secure in who I am as a wife.

Areas where deep fear rose, unbidden and certainly unwelcome, to the surface.

Ugly Bekah emerged one morning as we stepped out into frigid, wind-chill scarred temps in search of a McDonald's that Siri SAID was much closer than it actually was. I stomped in my boots down a sometimes-slippery sidewalk, unable to feel my legs, missing my coffee and I. Was. Ugly. I was the wife that I always looked at when other wives acted that way and thought, "Man she doesn't appreciate what she has." And it wasn't that I didn't appreciate him. {On the contrary - I was aware that he was tolerating ugly Bekah quite remarkably and I appreciated him all the more for it.} It was that I was cold and we were lost and Siri lied and I. Just. Wanted. Coffee.

But that is not the wife I want to be.

And other things crept to the surface that weekend as we explored the topics of the retreat...and I found myself feeling hurt...not by Ryan, but by other things...and those things made me retreat and sit silently in my seat wondering how a wife responds in such a way that encourages and uplifts - when really mad, wild tears feel warranted.

I came home exhausted. I'd had fun, sure. But I also knew God was calling me to work. To get to the bottom of the fears and hurts of my heart and make new patterns. Ones that are healthy and good and cause growth.

Don't you just wish sometimes you could skip past all that and be better than who you are now?

But oh the beauty of the growth. The chance to grow in intimacy and favor with my husband while allowing him to see ugly Bekah, working to become stronger Bekah.

Hard chapters...but necessary for the story He's writing.

We fix our eyes not on what discourages us {moves us away from courage} but on Jesus, the One who saves, redeems and restores. He's working!

~ Susie Larson ~

You're Loved

Happy Valentine's Day from your MM girls...Lynne and Bekah!! We so love you and it was a special treat to spend the show today chatting with you!

I've wrestled with this post. How do I approach you...all of you...on a day like today? How do I speak to those of you who so ache for love that your heart bends painfully underneath the burden of missing love? How do I speak to those of you who are so inexplicably joyful today for the love that has settled over your life that you fear you might burst into back handsprings with no warning? How do I speak to those of you who are in a season of stale love...and you wish you felt desire but you just don't...and he seems oblivious too...

So many needs. So many hearts overwhelmed in so many directions.

Well, first I say this to you:



This is one of my favorite songs...the first time I remember hearing it was when I stumbled down Wayne Avenue not far from the station here...during the Fort 4 Fitness 10K race. Some girl had perched on a stool outside a coffee shop and while strumming her guitar, she sang the words "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me...." over and over. It gave me the push to keep running even when I wanted to fall down and gasp for breath. And if life and love makes you want to fall down today, know that His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on you, sweet friend!

Secondly, I say to you that if you're sick of seeing tweets and Facebook postings of goopy love stories, try using the word we used on the show this morning: schmoopiness. My friend Joel posted on his FB page this morning that he hoped couples would keep "public schmoopiness to a tolerable level." You can't say schmoopiness without a hint of a smile. Repeat it ten times and see if you don't find a little giggle in you somewhere.

Thirdly, I say to you that if you do have love in your life, celebrate the daylights out of that thing today. I spent so many years yearning for love and this year, when I have it, I'm being careful to let Ryan know just how much I appreciate him and how much I do not take for granted his presence in my world. {This is true despite a variety of interesting texts I've received today that lead a girl to believe she's having a romantic dinner of craw dads, bacon, and shredded cheese.}

And regardless of where you stand in a love life, know that Lynne and I LOVE YOU!!! We are so grateful for each of you and how you share your lives with us each day!

And most of all The Most High is so crazy about you...He wrote your life story. Let Him write away....

Write Something Beautiful Today

The blog has been quiet...much going on here in Mid-Morning land...

First I was quiet because Lynne's sweet mother was so sick and in her last hours and it seemed nothing I had to say bore the importance of the goodbye she was saying, so I said nothing at all.

Then I was quiet because we were in the throes of SHARE, our annual fundraiser (since we're a commercial-free station, we operate entirely on what we can raise through partnership with our listenerss) and I spent all my hours at the phone and not at my desk where I could blog.

Then I was quiet because I was SICK. Have y'all had the nasty that's going around right now? Don't get it if you can help it. Not. Worth. It.

And now I'm back with a thousand thoughts in my head and only this very small space to spill them.

I go back to a tweet I saw last week by Karen Kingsbury:

An empty page lies ahead...write something beautiful today.

 

We've been on this theme this year - of writing our stories - of allowing God the freedom to write our stories.

 

And what a joy to know we can make it beautiful.

 

I have to admit...there have been pieces of life lately that haven't felt so beautiful.

 

This person says something that cuts deeply into my heart...so deeply that I know the words are going to leave a scar even though the wound appears to be too fresh to tell its lasting impact. But I've been hurt like that before and I know...it scars. And I want to lash our with scarring words of my own - or at the very least, a giant announcement that WHAT YOU SAID HURT ME! But I don't. I sit and watch the wound to see if it really will, as I fear, scar.

 

That person does something that confuses me so profoundly that I have no idea what the proper reaction should even be. It's uncharted territory and I don't know what to do. And there's no manual to read...

 

In those moments, I want to go to those people and tell them that their choices of ink on page are affecting my story. Chances are good they've not considered that.

 

But then I remember that I'm not given the pens to everyone else's stories. Just my own.

 

And I need to remember: it's up to me to write something beautiful today.

(Thanks, Karen, for the reminder!)