Today I'm a Listener Again

I admit coming to you with a well-jumbled heart today.

This morning, Lynne talked to Cindi McMenamin about her book When Women Walk Alone, and I admit that while I'd read the summary of the book and thought I knew the subject of today's program, I had no idea...

I thought they were going to talk about women who walk alone through life circumstances because, for whatever reason, those around them choose not to really walk WITH them.

And they did speak to those people.

But Cindi's message is for all women. Including women who are in good, healthy marriages with loving friends - and who are surrounded by people who are active in their lives.

And yet they walk alone.

And Cindi even dared to say that it is good to walk alone, because it reminds you of your dependence on the Lord.

I will admit to you that as I am writing these very words, I can't even see the screen because I have tears overtaking my eyes. This day has not been an easy one...one in which I've struggled with stupid {unfounded} fears and annoying insecurities that resurface at the most inopportune times. {Is there ever really a good time for an insecurity to surface?}

Today I write to you not as the confident producer bubbling over with great ideas for shows to come. Today I write to you as the producer who feels like she has failed in the simplest parts of the job and in truth probably would have served a greater purpose by staying home today.

Today I write to you not as a giddy newlywed {though I am crazy giddy in love with my ever-patient and loving husband} but as a new wife who feels like she is tearing headlong into married life without a clue as to what she's doing. A wife who wishes she knew the secret to past wounds.

Today I write to you not as a station employee who has great insights to pour into your soul.

Today I write as a listener.

Today I write as a girl who heard Mid-Morning from a literal front row seat behind the engineering board, but I also sat with journal in hand, nodding vigorously at words that seared into my own heart - much like they may have for you.

Today I write as a girl who has the playlist pulled up on another screen because, as many of you say to us so often, the songs that are playing today are just perfect.

Because I heard these words from Kutless: When the path is daunting, And every step exhausting, I'm not alone, I'm not alone, no, no. I feel you draw me closer, all these burdens on my shoulder...I'm not alone, I'm not alone...

...and in my mind, I heard Cindi's words again....it's good to walk alone because it reminds you of your dependence on the Lord.

And then I heard Meredith Andrews' voice... And every step, every breath you are there... Every tear every cry every prayer... In my heart at my worst... When my world falls down... Not for a moment will You forsake me...Even in the dark, even when it's hard...You will never leave me.

I heard again....it's good to walk alone because it reminds you of your dependence on the Lord.

And then there was Plumb....Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows, and I, I am so afraid...Please stay, please stay right beside me...With every single step I take...How many times have you heard me cry out? And how many times have you given me strength? How many times have you heard me cry out, "God please take this"? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you...God, I need you now.

...It is good to walk alone because it reminds you of your dependence on the Lord.

And then I heard this one. This anthem from my relationship with my wonderful Ryan...

What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name

Today I'm a listener. A listener with a box of Kleenex and a hurting heart. God is still writing a story with me. Today's chapter just hurts more than yesterday's. But He's writing. Refining. And that means I'm still worth writing. That's a reason to say...Bless the Lord...oh my soul!