On Rejection...

Most of the time, I’ve got it together pretty well. God has done a mighty work in my heart and has healed so much of what felt lost, broken, and forgotten from days gone by. And I credit Him fully with that work…knowing it was all him and NOT at all me.

But we are all trekking this road together and I am not gonna lie to you. Some days, I do NOT have it all together, and I’m like a high school wreck all over again.

I tell you this with a modest amount of embarrassment, but I tell you anyway, because I have a feeling I’m not alone in that.

This week, I had one such day.

Ryan and I were having a casual conversation at dinner, when we brought up the name of a mutual friend of ours. My nose wrinkled up as I realized I hadn’t read anything from her on Facebook for just a few days – and she tended to post several times a day. I wondered if something was wrong, so I opened my laptop to check her page and was greeted with this:

 What??

When did we stop being friends?

It washed over me in one hot and cold wave all at once. She defriended me.

I just stared at Ryan, a bit slapped on the cheek by this “add as friend” icon. My mouth felt cotton-y as I said “She defriended me!”

People, I am thirty-five years old. I have been out of high school since the spring of 1996 and this is FACEBOOK for crying out loud.

But some of you are nodding right now because you know. That hot confusion and embarrassment and overanalyzing of what did I do? What did I say? washed over me.

I thought I would pop back right away, because, as previously stated, I am thirty-five years old and this is Facebook.

But as minutes ticked by, the sick high-school-is-back-and-worse-than-ever feeling got worse. I did something I’ve not done since I got married. I took a cry-in-the-shower-until-the-water-gets-cold shower. Poor Ryan. He probably wondered what had become of his typically-together wife.

After my shower, I sat on the bed and tried to figure out how something like this got to be such a big deal to a girl who is supposed to be a grownup.

Ryan was ridiculously patient and understanding as he watched me muddle through my first post-marriage Facebook rejection. I tried a {rather bumbling, I’m sure} explanation of how it’s not WHO she is or WHERE she defriended me that mattered…as much as the overwhelming flood of memories of such things it brought back. And, of course, the confusion of what I’d done to bring on such an action.

That night, after serving myself with the worst wife ever award, I stared into the darkness of our bedroom, Ryan’s sleep-filled breathing even beside me, and prayed for God to instill in my heart that what matters is what He has given me…so many good, kind, caring friends who have opened their arms and hearts to love me.

The next morning, I sat on the couch, clutching the cup of coffee Ryan made for me, and he put his arm around me and asked if I felt better. My face turned a bit red again and I told him I was trying to grow up and not let high school rejection creep back in.

And God brought this to me – Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand…. (Psalm 139:16-18).

And THAT is where the worth lies. For me. And for you, sweet friend.